Livi DedGrrl: Dead Inside

I'll be updating this every now and then. Its more of a summary of my life and whats going on in my head. Its not a very nice place to be most of the time.

So, I'm 23, I've been single for about 3 years. I live with four housemates and work for Target in the cosmetics department.

I love my friends but sometimes it's just not enough. I find myself alone alot of the time and my mind runs away with me. Usually, its self loathing and noticing constant reminders that I'm single and I probably will be for the foreseeable future. And no one really seems to notice. I can sit for hours alone in my room while my housemates do couple stuff together and no one seems to care that I'm in the same house. Everyone just looks right through me. And everyone around me is so happy. Lots of cute men walk into my department and without fail, they need help finding make up of perfume for their wife or girlfriend. Happy couple walking hand in hand on the street. Photos on Facebook, hugging, smiles on their faces. All I can think about is that I've never felt like I mattered to anyone like that, and I probably never will.
I'm so paranoid about what people think of me. When people giggle in my vicinity, I know they're laughing at me. When I talk to customers, I know that as soon as they've left, they think I was useless and talked too much. I know I look stupid when I smile. I know my clothes never sit as well as they did before I left the house. I know that everyone just pities me. I know that I'm a joke.
I know I can take good photos of myself, but nothing about me is pretty. Everything is the wrong shape. It's too big. Too small. Not good enough.
I get told alot that I should enjoy being single. I don't enjoy it. I have no one to share happy moments with. I go to sleep knowing that there isn't someone out there who misses me. That no one wants to hold me and spend time with me. I feel alone even when I'm with my friends. I feel like I'm on the outside of every group, just trying to be accepted. But I can smile all I want, but I still feel like I'm invisible. If I say something, I know that people will think I'm just an attention whore. Stupid and pathetic.

Anyway, that's all I can be bothered writing tonight.


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